Bully-proofing your child

Bully. The word conjures up very specific images for people. Whether it was mild teasing on the playground or a more harsh form of physical abuse, nearly everyone has had the misfortune of being bullied at some time during their lives.

Once considered just part of being a kid, bullying is no longer being shrugged off so readily. Perhaps this is because so many adults know how it feels to be picked on and understand that bullying can leave long-lasting emotional scars. Or maybe it is because we are now seeing that bullying can lead to violence against others (In each of the nation’s recent school shootings, the shooter had been a victim of bullying).

Regardless, a movement is underway to stop bullying in schools, before it becomes a much more serious problem.

Common characteristics of bullying

Bullying is generally:

• Physical - hitting, kicking, taking or damaging the victim’s property;

• Verbal - using words to
  hurt or humiliate;

• Relational -spreading rumors, excluding a person from the peer group; or

• Sexual - using suggestive words or inappropriate touch.

Bullying usually occurs between individuals who are not friends. The bully may be bigger, tougher, stronger, more intimidating, or more influential in excluding others from their social group.

Bullying has three specific characteristics that sets it apart from normal name calling or rough housing:

• There is a power difference between the bully and the victim.

• The bully intends to hurt, embarrass or humiliate the other person.

• The behavior is repeated-sometimes with others or with the same person over time.

Helping your child deal with bullies

Laura Combs, a school social worker and counselor who works with teachers and families on violence prevention, offers the following suggestions:

Identify the problem - Combs says often children who have been bullied may not want to talk about it. Signs that your child has a problem are sometimes obvious- a torn shirt or complaints of feeling ill to avoid going to school-or the evidence may be more subtle. If you sense there is something troubling your child, you should listen carefully to what she does offer about her school day and try to draw her out ("So you didn’t like riding the bus today? Did something happen that made you feel uncomfortable?" "Did you have a good time at soccer practice? No? Why not?"). Before choosing what action to take, Combs recommends getting as much information as you can from your child.

Decide what to do about it -Different situations will warrant different approaches. If your child is being picked on by another child while moving from class to class, you might recommend that he change the route he takes or that he stick close to the hall monitor. Often a change of scenery or the presence of authority is enough to end the situation. If you believe your child is experiencing physical threats or abuse, you should alert the guidance office or administration.

Regardless of the action you and your child take, the key is to help your child believe she is capable of solving the problem for herself. "Your reaction speaks volumes to your child," says Combs. "If you treat her like a victim, then that is how she is likely to view herself."

Other suggestions

In his book Why is Everybody Always Picking on Me? A Guide to Handling Bullies, Dr. Terrence Webster-Doyle offers young people the following suggestions for dealing with bullies:

• Make friends. Treat the bully as a friend instead of an enemy.

• Use humor. You can try to turn a threatening situation into a funny one.

• Walk away. Don’t get into it; just get out.

• Agree with the bully. Let insults go without fighting back.

• Refuse to fight. The winner of a fight is the one who avoids it.

• Stand up to the bully. Stick up for yourself. Just say "No!" to bullying.

• Scream and yell. A powerful shout can end conflict before it starts.

• Ignore the threat. Be like bamboo and bend in the wind.

• Use authority. Call a parent, teacher, principal, or guidance counselor to help you defeat the bully.

(This book can be purchased from the Atrium Society, www.atriumsociety.org or by calling 1-800-848-6021.)

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