Parents and their middle schoolers: Staying connected at a time when everyone feels a little unplugged

The years between elementary school and high school can be confusing ones for families.

One day you are snuggling on the couch enjoying a video with your daughter, the next the only talking she wants to do is with her friends on the telephone. Suddenly, your previously reserved son wants to pierce his ear and bleach his hair.

What gives?

Dr. Lauren Ayers, psychologist and nationally known author of books on adolescence, says pre-adolescent behavior isn’t nearly as mysterious as it can sometimes seem. From around age 10 to 15, children are experiencing not only enormous physical changes, but a heightened awareness of the big wide world outside their homes.

Pre-teens experience an increasing need to feel as if they "belong" somewhere other than in their family. At school, they are under pressure not only to achieve academically, but also to fit in socially.

With all this going on for kids, Ayers says it is no wonder they can seem so unpredictable at times.

Encouraging the dialogue

As far as staying close in the middle years goes, the most critical challenge for parents is to keep the lines of communication open and strong, says Ayers.

She offers some strategies that have proven successful:

Be a concerned and caring listener

Ayers favors an approach she calls "practicing senility." This entails listening, smiling, nodding, but not reacting too forcefully to what your child has to say.

Ayers says that generally your child doesn’t want the upshot of a conversation to be you dispensing advice. It is often enough to simply listen in a supportive and sympathetic way.

"After about 10 to 15 minutes, even the most hysterical youngster will have worked things through," says Ayers.

Although it often goes against a parent’s instinct to simply listen, she says that exercising the restraint and allowing your child to work through his or her problems in your company will serve your child well when faced with issues like drugs, alcohol and sex.

"Generally kids that have a good foundation in this regard are less likely to be swayed when confronted with hard decisions later on," says Ayers. "In pre-adolescence, what you are doing by listening and being benign is teaching good judgment."

Consider a change of venue

When having an important discussion, Ayers suggests taking a car ride or finding a quiet place that will distance you and your child from other distractions, like the television, phone or other family members.

Be supportive

Ayers says that when all else fails, simply putting your hand on a child’s shoulder and telling him or her "I think you are a great kid" or that life won’t always seem so hard sends the very strong message that you value what they are going through, understand that it can seem monumental and offer hope that things are likely to become less confusing and difficult with time.

 From the trenches: Parents of middle schoolers speak out

The following advice comes from parents who are currently finding their way through the middle school years with their children.

Communication

• "I find that I have a captive audience when we are in the car. Even though I often only get one-word answers, I keep up the conversation and occasionally we will hit on a topic that he really wants to elaborate on."

Practice empathy, rather than judgment

• "Often children don’t want a quick answer from you, but just a sympathetic ear."

• Keep a sense of humor

• "It works wonders. This doesn’t mean you should downplay their concerns, but a good laugh now and again can really lighten the mood, particularly when things are getting a little too heated around our house."

Avoid the power struggles

• Over blue hair, for example..."My own parents were very authoritarian; it was either their way or no way and it made me want to rebel all the more. So when my son tells me he wants to bleach his hair, I say ‘Go for it.’ It is, after all, only hair. But just because we go for one idea doesn’t mean we are going to allow something more radical – something disfiguring, for example. We encourage our kids to think things through before they make big decisions."

Homework

• "I don’t harp on him about his schoolwork. We set standards and if his performance is below par, he knows he will lose privileges.

Open door policy

• "We encourage our children to bring their friends home when we are there, and we try to get to know who they talk with on the phone or chat with online."

• "Carpooling gives us a wonderful
  opportunity to get to know our kids’ friends–to hear what they are talking about and to learn about their interests."

Know the other families

• "This doesn’t mean you have to socialize regularly with them. Simply get to know who they are, what their rules are, whether they are home at the times when your child wants to visit."

Display affection

• "I have never stopped being physically affectionate with my kids, despite their occasional protests. Although I respect their need for space, I will still persist in getting a kiss or hug before I drop them off at school."

Tap into their interests

• "This doesn’t have to mean dressing in flares and bleaching the tips of your hair, but simply expressing a desire to understand what they like about rap music or why they are so passionate about soccer."

Make time for one-on-one

• Go out to breakfast or make a date for pizza and the movies on a regular basis.

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