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Dr. Robert Brooks is one of
today's leading speakers on the themes of resilience,
self-esteem, motivation, and family relationships. Over
the last few months his newest book “Raising a
Self-Disciplined Child: Help Your Child to Become More
Responsible, Confident, and Resilient,” published by
McGraw-Hill, has tried to advance the position that
discipline is most effective when it nurtures
self-discipline, and respect rather then anger and
resentment.
The excerpts are meant to portray
different views of discipline and to illustrate the
dialogue we have with parents as we encourage them to
consider their disciplinary approach and whether it is
rooted in the concepts of respect, love, and resilience.
Our hope is that these excerpts will prompt you to
reflect upon your own disciplinary views and practices.
Raising a Self-Disciplined Child:
An Excerpt, Part I
Last month Dr. Sam Goldstein and I
announced the release of our newest book, Raising a
Self-Disciplined Child: Help Your Child to Become More
Responsible, Confident, and Resilient, published by
McGraw-Hill. We noted that a major goal in writing the
book was to advance the position that discipline is most
effective when it nurtures self-discipline, respect, and
resilience rather than anger and resentment in children.
The publication of Raising a
Self-Disciplined Child prompted us to share a two-part
excerpt of the book, the first of which appeared last
month. The excerpts are meant to portray different views
of discipline and to illustrate the dialogue we have
with parents as we encourage them to consider their
disciplinary approach and whether it is rooted in the
concepts of respect, love, and resilience. Our hope is
that these excerpts will prompt you to reflect upon your
own disciplinary views and practices.
The Ewings and Franklins
In last month's article we
introduced two sets of parents we met at a parenting
workshop, Bill and Samantha Ewing and Tom and Jennifer
Franklin. They possessed contrasting disciplinary
styles. Each of the couples had three children. The
oldest in each family was a twelve-year-old son, Jim
Ewing and Stevie Franklin. Compared with their younger
siblings, they were described as temperamentally
difficult, challenging to soothe, more irritable and
argumentative, and less likely to be cooperative,
especially when they felt frustrated.
The Ewings resorted to spanking, believing that was the
only form of discipline to which Jim responded, although
Samantha was less comfortable using corporal punishment
than her husband. Bill Ewing contended, "The only thing
that Jim responds to is a spanking. You can try to
reason with him for hours, and he will wear you down."
The Franklins followed a different
path. Tom Franklin observed, "We know we have to
maintain authority as parents. We know that some things
are nonnegotiable. But we found that if we select our
battlegrounds carefully, if we give him some choice in
certain matters, if we speak to him calmly, he's more
reasonable and more cooperative when we ask him to do
certain things. It's still a struggle at times, but
things are going more smoothly, and there are fewer
outbursts."
We ended last month's article posing
a number of questions about the function of discipline
and ways in which to assist the Ewings to be less
punitive. We emphasized that an end result of
disciplining children should be the strengthening of
what we call a "resilient mindset." The following
excerpt represents our attempts to have the Ewings adopt
a more constructive disciplinary style, one that will
contribute to Jim developing such a mindset.
Developing Self-Discipline: Focus on
Mindsets and Solutions
Children who possess a resilient
mindset are hopeful and have high self-worth. They feel
appreciated. The have learned to set realistic goals and
expectations for themselves. They demonstrate
self-discipline and have developed the ability to solve
problems and make decisions. They are likely to view
mistakes, hardships, and obstacles as challenges to
confront rather than as stressors to avoid. They rely on
productive coping strategies that foster growth rather
than a feeling of defeat.
Although these children are aware of
their weaknesses and vulnerabilities, they also
recognize their strong points and talents. Their
self-concept is filled with images of strength and
competence. They have developed effective interpersonal
skills with peers and adults alike. They are able to
seek out help and nurturance comfortably and
appropriately from adults who can provide the support
they need. Finally, they can define the aspects of their
lives they have control over, and they focus their
energy and attention on these, rather than on factors
over which they have little, if any, influence.
Viewing self-discipline as a driving
force for individuals with resilient mindsets and
lifestyles makes it easier to identify the skills and
attitudes we are trying to reinforce in children when we
discipline them. As parents, we want our disciplinary
techniques to nurture a resilient mindset, including
self-discipline. We want our children to develop
attitudes about themselves and others that are in
keeping with a more optimistic outlook and lifestyle.
Let's examine how this perspective helped Bill and
Samantha Ewing change their son's behavior.
The Ewing Family: "What Other Approach
Can We Use?"
Given the seeming ineffectiveness of
spanking Jim, we introduced the possibility with Bill
and Samantha that they might want to change their style
of discipline. When we did, Bill Ewing countered, "Are
you saying it's our fault that Jim acts the way he does?
If we back off and change, it will amount to giving in
to him, and he'll never get better. If anything, he'll
know that he can do whatever he wants without any
consequence."
We have frequently heard this
argument. We responded by agreeing with Bill's goal of
wanting Jim to be more responsible and respectful,
emphasizing that we were questioning only the means by
which he attempted to achieve this goal. We have found
that parents are more likely to considering new
practices, especially those involving discipline, if we
first genuinely validate the goals they express.
Thus, we told Bill that we agreed
with his desire for Jim to meet his responsibilities and
behave with respect. But we pointed out that Bill had
complained that Jim had been showing a lack of respect
for years and that spanking seemed to help only
temporarily. We suggested that Bill and Samantha might
need a new way to discipline him so that he would really
change. In our experience, if parents use a certain form
of discipline and it doesn't work, the next logical step
is to look at what they can do differently, rather than
continuing to expect a sudden change in the child.
Fortunately, the Ewings recognized
that we supported their wish for Jim to be more
responsible and respectful. Bill asked, "What other
approach can we use? I think we've exhausted every
possible option. The calmer approach that Tom and
Jennifer use with their son Stevie doesn't seem to work
with Jim."
We suggested that the Ewings
consider using discipline designed to develop a
resilient mindset.
Samantha wondered, "What's that?"
We reviewed the attributes of a
resilient mindset, focusing primarily on increasing
Jim's sense of ownership and responsibility for his own
behavior by involving him in problem-solving activities.
We suggested to the parents that they use an approach
similar to that advanced by our colleague Myrna Shure.
Dr. Shure has developed a successful program titled "I
Can Problem Solve" in which children are engaged in
arriving at solutions to difficult situations. More
specifically, we recommended that the Ewings sit down
with Jim during a quiet time and say to him, "We think
we may be nagging you too much. What do you think?"
Bill immediately said, "I know Jim
will say yes that we do nag him too much. But what he
calls nagging we see as our job as his parents to make
certain he meets his responsibilities."
We agreed with Jim's prediction and
guessed that their son would also fail to see his role
in all of this. We coached Bill that once Jim agreed his
parents nag him too much, they could say they don't want
to do it and want to figure out with him what will help.
Samantha said, "He'll probably say that what will help
is for us to stop reminding him to do some things and
stop spanking him when he's disrespectful."
We again agreed, advising the Ewings
that if Jim said that, they could take ownership for
their behavior by promising they would try not to yell
or spank--and add that they wanted Jim to think about
what he could do differently to improve the situation.
Bill answered with a sentiment we have heard from other
parents when we've suggested this line of conversation:
"Jim will probably say he doesn't know what will improve
his situation. Or he might say that if we didn't nag
him, he'd follow through and wouldn't speak
disrespectfully to us. But we know that even if he says
this, he really won't follow through."
We observed that even if he hasn't
followed through in the past, our experience is that if
children come up with ideas for remembering to do things
or for being reminded if they forget, they are more
likely to be cooperative, since the ideas came from
them. This method increases their feeling of ownership,
improves their problem-solving skills, and will help
them become more resilient and cooperative.
Also, we advised that if Jim said he
didn't know what he could do differently, Bill and
Samantha should avoid putting him on the spot. Instead,
they could simply say, "We wouldn't expect you to know
at this moment, but think about it for a day or two."
We added that our goal is for
children to become more respectful and cooperative, not
for them to be compliant, obedient, resentful, or angry.
We want them to develop self-discipline, which basically
implies that they take ownership for their own behavior.
We cautioned the Ewings that
changing the way they spoke with Jim or reacted to him
would not lead to an overnight change. The problem had
been going on for years and would take time and patience
to correct. We said this because some parents who have
gone out of their way to modify their own behavior
become angry and resort to harsh punishments when they
feel their children are not changing as quickly as they
would like. However, we predicted that if Bill and
Samantha would become less punitive and harsh, they
would eventually see an improvement in Jim's behavior.
To define more clearly and support
the changes the Ewings planned to make with Jim, we
engaged in some role-playing activities. We asked the
Ewings to consider various scenarios with Jim, what they
thought his response would be to their changes in
behavior, and how they would respond in kind. Although
they had difficulty modifying their established scripts
(patterns of responding), they recognized that the
approach they had been using was leading to an angry and
strained relationship with Jim. We encouraged the Ewings
to link their disciplinary practices with these two
questions: Is what we're doing reinforcing
self-discipline and a resilient mindset in Jim? Is it
leading to a more positive relationship with him?
The Ewings consulted with us for
several months. Jim could prove challenging, so they
occasionally questioned whether this more "reasonable"
approach would be effective, but they stuck with it. One
reason they persevered was that they recognized the
extent to which their previous script had been negative
and self-defeating. They found that a strength-based
perspective of discipline, supported by the concept of a
resilient mindset, offered an effective alternative to
their earlier style of disciplining Jim.
The Ewings also discovered another
important benefit of linking discipline to resilience:
it greatly improved their relationship with their son.
As we have emphasized in our previous books, discipline
is most effective when carried out within a caring
relationship. Such a relationship is the foundation upon
which a resilient mindset, characterized by qualities
such as self-discipline, compassion, respect, and
responsibility, flourishes.
Raising a Self-Disciplined Child:
An Excerpt, Part II
Dr. Sam Goldstein and I co-authored
three website articles during this past school year in
anticipation of the publication of our newest book, "Raising
a Self-Disciplined Child: Help Your Child to Become More
Responsible, Confident, and Resilient," published by
McGraw-Hill. We are pleased to announce that the book is
now available. In our previous articles we addressed
such themes as: (a) the significance of self-discipline
throughout the lifespan, (b) different parenting and
disciplinary styles, (c) the influence of
self-discipline on friendships, and (d) the importance
of adopting a preventive disciplinary approach, such as
by enlisting children to help others.
Not surprisingly, in our parenting
workshops we are asked many questions pertaining to
discipline. We have heard strikingly diverse opinions
from parents about what they consider to be the most
effective disciplinary techniques. Also, many parents
voice confusion and doubt about their disciplinary
practices. The interest, varying viewpoints, and
confusion expressed by parents (and professionals)
served as one catalyst for us to devote an entire book
to the subject of discipline. In Raising a
Self-Disciplined Child our goal was to convey a
strength-based perspective in which discipline is cast
as a significant contributor to the emergence of
self-discipline, respect, and resilience rather than
anger and resentment.
The release of Raising a
Self-Disciplined Child has prompted us to excerpt a
brief section of the book in our website articles for
this month and next month. Our purpose is to provide an
example of the different views that parents hold about
discipline and to illustrate the ways in which we engage
parents to consider and adopt a disciplinary style that
is guided by the concepts of respect, love, and
resilience. We hope you find this excerpt helpful as you
reflect upon your own disciplinary beliefs and
practices.
The Role of Parents
To nurture the development of
self-discipline in their children, parents have a key
ingredient to contribute: discipline. One of the most
important roles that parents play is that of
disciplinarian. However, parents fulfill this role in
vastly different ways, as the following examples
illustrate.
Among the participants in a
parenting workshop we offered were two couples: Bill and
Samantha Ewing and Tom and Jennifer Franklin. Each of
the couples had three children, and in both families,
the oldest child was a twelve-year-old boy. As these
parents described their twelve-year-olds, we suspected
that both boys had been born with more challenging or
"difficult" temperaments. Compared with their younger
siblings, they were harder to soothe, more irritable and
argumentative, and less likely to be cooperative,
especially when they felt frustrated.
A lively discussion ensued when the
topic turned to disciplinary practices. Bill Ewing
stated, "The only thing that Jim responds to is a
spanking. You can try to reason with him for hours, and
he will wear you down. He never does what you ask.
There's always an argument. When I spank him on the
rear, it gets him to do what I want. I don't have to
spank my other kids, because they do what Samantha and I
ask them to do. I guess the only way some kids learn is
if you spank them. To be honest my parents spanked me,
and I turned out OK." As Bill said this, we couldn't
help but notice the anger in his voice.
His wife, Samantha, added, "While
Bill grew up in a home where his parents spanked him, my
parents never spanked me. Before we had kids, I would
have sworn that I would never yell or spank my kids, but
having Jim changed all of that. I have to agree with
Bill that Jim only seems to respond to being spanked.
The only thing that bothers me is that we've been
spanking him for years and he keeps doing the same
things. He's almost a teenager. I'm not sure if we can
keep spanking him much longer."
Jennifer Franklin jumped into the
discussion. "My parents spanked me, just as Bill's
parents spanked him. I really don't think it did much
good. I still resent what they did. I know I wasn't the
easiest kid, but each time they spanked me, I became
angrier. To this day, I don't have a very good
relationship with them. I must admit that when Stevie
was born, there were times I really felt like hitting
him. He made me so mad. But each time I came close to
slapping him or was ready to yell at him, I thought back
to what my parents had done to me. I didn't want Stevie
to feel about me the way I felt about my parents."
Tom Franklin added, "I feel the same
way my wife does. We've read a number of books about
raising kids, but even without the books, we know that
Stevie was born more difficult to raise. We've spent
hours thinking and talking about how to deal with him.
We know we have to maintain authority as his parents. We
know that some things are nonnegotiable. But we've found
that if we select our battlegrounds carefully, if we
give him some choice in certain matters, if we speak to
him calmly, he's more reasonable and more cooperative
when we ask him to do certain things. It's still a
struggle at times, but things are going more smoothly,
and there are fewer outbursts."
Upon hearing Tom's observations,
Bill replied, "I'm glad how you've handled Stevie has
worked, but it would never work for Jim. He only
understands one thing: that when we spank him, we mean
business and he'd better listen to us."
Applying the Purpose of Discipline
The Ewings and Franklins both
believed they were effective disciplinarians, but their
approaches contrasted sharply. Reflect for a moment on
your feelings about discipline. Which approach feels
most comfortable to you? Which approach do you think
would work best for your child or children?
As parents consider an array of
disciplinary practices, they often ask us, "What are the
best ways of disciplining children?" We prefer to
reframe this question by first reminding parents of the
meaning of the word discipline. Discipline derives from
the word disciple and is best understood as a teaching
process. To recognize discipline as a form of education,
children should not associate it with intimidation,
humiliation, or embarrassment.
Placing discipline in the context of
an educational process, parents can ponder the main
goals of discipline. Many goals are possible, but we
believe that discipline has two major functions. The
first is to ensure that children have a consistent,
safe, and secure environment in which they can learn
reasonable rules, limits, and consequences as well as
develop an understanding of why these are important. The
second function, equally important but not as readily
emphasized, is to nurture self-discipline or
self-control.
Applying discipline to teach
self-discipline is often a challenging task. As with
other human qualities or traits, children come to the
world with different predispositions and capacities.
Some children easily develop self-discipline, while
others struggle. Some children are responsive to
discipline, able to shift their behavior quickly after a
single negative experience or disciplinary intervention,
while others struggle. Still, in either case, we want
children to incorporate rather than dismiss or resent
what we are trying to teach them.
Given these two functions of
discipline, parents may wonder: "What skills must I
possess to be an effective disciplinarian?" "What skills
should I try to teach my children in order to nurture
self-discipline?" In response to the first question, we
believe that disciplinary practices are most
constructive when parents display empathy, good
communication skills, the ability to change when their
parenting activities are negative, an appreciation of
each child's unique temperament, and realistic goals for
their children.
However, we have found that many
well-meaning parents do not demonstrate these qualities,
so they fail to nurture self-discipline in their
children. When parents are reactive, crisis-oriented,
overly punitive, harsh, belittling, arbitrary, or
inconsistent, the positive goals of discipline are
likely to suffer. Ironically, when parents resort to
screaming or hitting (as in the case of the Ewings
spanking their son), they are actually displaying the
very behaviors they wish to stop in their children,
serving instead as models of poor self-discipline.
The development of self-discipline
is also compromised when the parents have very different
disciplinary styles or when parents hesitate to set
limits for fear that their children will be angry with
them. (Some children take advantage of this fear by
reacting to consequences with the claim, "You don't love
me!") Finally, children will have difficulty developing
self-discipline when parents impose unrealistic
expectations for behavior; these children instead become
increasingly frustrated and angry.
Developing Self-Discipline: Focus on
Mindsets and Solutions
The question, "What skills and
attitudes are we trying to reinforce in children when we
discipline them?" can also be posed in the following
way: "What do we want to be the end result of our
disciplinary techniques?" We believe the answer may be
found within a concept we proposed in Raising Resilient
Children: a resilient mindset. A resilient mindset
consists of assumptions and attitudes about ourselves
that support the development of behaviors and skills
that make us more resilient. In turn, our behaviors and
skills influence our set of assumptions, so a dynamic
process is constantly operating.
We encourage you to consider
the following questions:
-
If one of the main goals of
discipline is to nurture a resilient mindset, what
would you list as the main characteristics of such a
mindset?
-
What disciplinary techniques are
most likely to nurture these characteristics in
children?
-
What disciplinary techniques are
most likely to work against the development of a
resilient mindset?
-
If you subscribe to the belief
that a major goal of discipline is to promote
self-discipline and a resilient mindset, what
observations and suggestions would you offer the
Ewings who were experiencing a great deal of
difficulty and frustration with their son Jim?
-
If you were the Ewings, how
might you change your disciplinary approach?
* * * *
We hope that this two part excerpt
has illustrated the disciplinary approach we advocate
for parents and other caregivers, an approach in which
parents are loving, firm, and respectful, assisting
their children to develop a sense of ownership and
accountability for their own behavior. Under these
conditions self-discipline will thrive, preparing
children for the challenges that await them throughout
their lives. |
